No surprises, but I've been doing a lot of talking lately. Perhaps not to the right people or person, but I'm trying to work through some issues that I have that I refuse to let take over my life or ruin one of the most special and amazing relationships I've had in quite a long time.
The issues at hand? Well, apart from being haunted by my grandfather's death (and the associated guilt I've had but didn't realize - another story, another time), there are a couple of things that I've identified that I must, unequivocally, eradicate immediately. Control. Disruption. Jealousy.
I was at the bookstore the other week and I stumbled across a book in the self-help section, not really sure what I was looking for. While it wasn't THE PERFECT book I needed, I was drawn to its title, "Taming Your Alpha Bitch...." by Christy Whitman. At first I just thought it was funny, but as I read through some of the sections, I recognized myself in the pages - and I was captivated.
I guess because I've been analyzing myself and my behavior lately, I was perhaps more open and receptive to seeing the truth, and there it was. I am in some ways (and perhaps I shouldn't even admit this in writing) both a Controlling and Disruptive Alpha Bitch - at least according to the things I read in this book. It's not news to me that I have control issues. I have for years. And after a significant amount of conversation and analysis, I think I've identified some of the root causes.
(SN: please don't shoot me for this - I am really not BLAMING anyone but me. I am cognizant of the reality that only I can control my reactions and behavior. I do not blame anyone or anything else for what I have experienced in this life).
Many moons ago when my mother left, I was a very young teenager. That's key, because I hadn't quite yet learned how to handle my emotions and express myself in healthy ways. At the time I felt like my life was spiraling out of control and although it wasn't a conscious decision at an attempt to control something (I learned this much later), I turned, eventually, to anorexia. As you already know, the anorexia morphed over time to bulimia. No matter how you slice it, a lot of the psychosis of eating disorders revolves around control. I felt like I had little control over much of anything at that time in my life, but food and exercise? I could definitely control that. And I did - with a bit of an OCD-like mania. But I digress.
Years later, I recovered from my eating disorders with a significant amount of help, but without hospitalization or institutionalization. I once considered after I graduated from college, checking myself into a hospital/treatment facility for eating disorders, as I was struggling with the significant changes in my life yet again (I don't recall sharing this bit of information with anyone, so my apologies if this comes as a shock). I was terrified to my core that I would relapse then, but I persevered. I struggled for some time, but didn't relapse.
My point in mentioning the hospitalization aspect is that I think I could have and would have greatly benefited from the focused attention to the underlying issues. In retrospect, I am not entirely sure that I found a healthy outlet for (or solution to) the control issues that I had to let go of when I said goodbye to my (not-so-dear) friend bulimia. So with the void left by my bulimia, I did find other ways to occupy my time and energy - but not my control issues. Over time, I think these issues have manifested themselves in my relationships and I've attempted to control my interactions and other people instead of focusing on me. And would you believe that it wasn't really until I saw some of that Alpha Bitch book that I even recognized it?
There were great insights in that book, which helped me see with precision, the mistakes I've made in past relationships. I'm not only referring to romantic ones, but friendships as well. So to those of you who have loved me, put up with me or been subject to my controlling nature, I humbly apologize. I hereby take ownership and accountability for the foolishness, discomfort or outright pain I may have inflicted. I vow to do better.
I've always loved the saying, "Let go and let God." There's certainly a lot to be said for it. I must internalize it - and just let go. As I've gotten older, I have been able to let go of my OCD-ish tendencies to a great extent. Now it's time to let go of the rest of it. Don't they say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery? If so - I'm all over that.
"SO-CALLED CHAOS" - A. Morissette-2004
I'll keep this one shorter, because ultimately both the disruption and the jealousy stem from control, or rather, a lack thereof.
The Disruptive Alpha Bitch involves a flair for the dramatic and thriving on chaos. I actually DON'T enjoy drama. Until the last two and a half years, I hadn't HAD drama in my life for the previous 10 years. I enjoyed the tranquility. Granted, there were a lot of events that happened in our lives during that time, but no soap-opera-like drama that was self-inflicted.
I think I've just had yet another revelation as I was writing this. I can tell you that what happened more than two years ago was that my (now ex-) husband and I separated. Could it be that the Disruptive Bitch returned, since there was nobody else to control? That because there was no one over whom I could exercise control, I sought out situations (and people) that would stimulate my need for chaos? After all, where there is chaos, there is the need for someone to step in and take control, yes? By George, I think I've got it.
"HEY JEALOUSY" - Gin Blossoms-1992
Oh my.... This one could take a while. If you're still with me, well, thank you. I'm going to try to reign it in.
Predicated on the presupposition that I do in fact, have control issues - and I have (which I will deny to my ex-husband until I'm blue in the face) come to terms with the fact that I am a bit melodramatic sometimes, and on occasion, have a penchant for creating chaos from nothing.... We have the final issue I am trying to work out at this particular juncture: Jealousy.
In between said ex-husband and the aforementioned current relationship I am in right now, there was another (though short-lived in the grand scheme of life) romantic entanglement. It is the one that had the most negative affect on me, and left some emotional scars behind.
In a nutshell, his behavior (carrying on with 10 women at the same time, while being in a relationship with me - talking on the phone, chats through social media, text conversations; planning trips, making promises and lying to us all) evoked paranoia and distrust. Once I discovered all of this (and a myriad of other issues that need not be discussed here), I got him out of my state and cut him out of my life. There was some toying with my emotions and fear for a while, and it was quite an unpleasant experience for me. Nonetheless, he's gone. Has been for a long time.
But what he left behind is a distrust of men and of women. Again, let me reiterate, I'm aware that this is MY issue, and I take ownership of that. I'm not casting blame here, it's my personal reaction to the circumstances that is the problem.
I am currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. One whom I love, and loves me back. He is patient. He is kind. He is a great communicator. He is perceptive, loving and smart and (as my daughter puts it) the funniest man in the world. He's honest, loyal and (mostly) thoughtful, and generally speaking, a fantastic human being. But if I'm not careful, and do not get my own nonsense under control, I may very well drive him away.
That is, of course, the last thing I want to do. So you can see the quandary, yes? He embodies all of the things I could ever want in a partner, but never thought to ask. I'm not claiming here that he's perfect; he's not. But he's perfect.... for me.
His line of work is one that involves constant interaction with other people. And while I love to watch him work (he's quite the entertainer and a lot of fun to be with), I often find myself jealous over the dumbest things (and usually it presents itself under the influence of adult beverages). It's quite silly actually, because as I've been reexamining our interaction, I can honestly say he has never given me cause to believe that he would ever do anything that would jeopardize our relationship.In fact, he has, time and again, given me every reason - in both words and actions - to believe that he loves me.
Then why, oh why, do I continue to expect the worst? Why the jealousy? Partially, this is because of my personal past experience. It's also, I am learning, about control.
I cannot control, nor should I want to, other people's behavior. I don't want to. I wasn't even aware that I was trying. Instead, I recognize what I SHOULD be doing is controlling my own reactions by careful, thoughtful means. Arguably, there are few traits more hideous than jealousy - and I adamantly refuse to carry on that way.
Absolutely, I have a right to express myself, and I do. I also appreciate that nobody wants to be treated like a caged animal; it stifles the spirit. It takes away our individuality, and the reasons for which we love other people in the first place.
You might immediately assume that it's more focused on insecurity - which may be on some level. I don't want to dismiss that one. But I think we've previously established that I have a pretty high opinion of myself. Hopefully not in an arrogant kind of way, but I do believe that I am a good person. I have come to love myself in what I hope is a healthy way; I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know that I'm smart, kind, compassionate, thoughtful and attractive. I'm level-headed and financially responsible and as generous as they come. These are things I know to be empirical facts.
The challenge is making myself understand that he sees these things, too. If he didn't, I don't believe he'd be with me. And if he didn't see those things, then I shouldn't want to be with him.
The rest is simply out of my control. And you know what?
I think I'm comfortable with that.
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