My oh my was I right that I was going to pay for that. Got myself a little happy - and by happy, I mean the comfort and intimacy of a man. A very specific man to whom I am incredibly attracted and could have fallen for.
Amazing. Beautiful. Sexy. Incredible.Tender. Poetic. Passionate. Addictive. Raw. Magnetic.
But I digress.
I have decided to accept these escapades for what they were - though once upon a time, it seemed that by the time we got to this point it would be much, much more. But what they were was a beautiful, comforting and glorious journey through a difficult time in my life. He provided strength, comfort, confidence and sweetness in a way that I never expected. And then took it all away.
It's not that simple or cut and dried, I suppose. I'm sure I've been no walk in the park. But until this last episode - at least to my knowledge - there had been no lies. And that ridiculousness? That's where I draw the line. You don't get to play with my heart, my emotions or my body.
Though I definitively would love to actually have a relationship with this man, it's clear that isn't going to happen. And I've come to terms with that. I would have even been content to continue an intense and intimate friendship with this man had it not been for the apparent lies regarding his whereabouts upon his departure from my hotel room.
Should I be angry with him about this? That I drove more than 500 miles (at his request) to spend an evening with him? That he spent less than four hours with me before he left and went to hang out with his friends (or so it appears). Should I be upset that he didn't have the decency to spend the night with me or return to me in the morning? I suppose I was hurt. It's not as if he doesn't know the depth of my feelings for him. Thus, I was also offended. And I was angry. But not angry in the way that you probably think.
I was angry at myself. For being foolish enough to put myself in that situation. Weak, I tell you. Weak because I adore this man. Weak because I wanted to feel - and wasn't ready to give up - the intense and passionate physical connection that we shared. And then simply angry with myself for being willing to settle for physical pleasure when what I really wanted and deserve is the emotional and personal connection - an actual relationship. Angry for allowing this man to have all of the benefits of being my boyfriend, but none of the expectations and responsibility.
But the anger was all directed inwardly. He didn't let that happen, I did. And it is only my actions over which I have any control. We teach people how to treat us - and I allowed this all to happen. I let him get away with it. Am I letting him off the hook entirely? No, I'm not. There is fault there as well. However, it is true that the only change I can effect is over my own behavior.
But damn it, guess what? I am pretty amazing. Don't believe me? I'll be happy to tell you all about it. I'm a beautiful, brilliant, strong and funny lady with a big and generous heart. And though I keep letting myself get hurt, I firmly believe that God put me on this planet to improve the lives of others and to do good work. Shutting myself off to people and experiences will not allow me to do either. So I'm not angry with me anymore. I'm learning and moving on from this one, too.
I will let the music heal me.
I will protect myself better.
I will demonstrate self-respect.
And I will not settle.
Effective immediately, this exercise in self-destruction doth endeth.
