I made a conscious decision that day to live. Not only to live, I suppose, but to recover. By that time, the anorexia had morphed into bulimia and I was very, very ill. There were few people who knew at the time, which I suppose makes sense. Bulimia certainly isn't something to be proud of. But at the time, I was ashamed of and disgusted with myself.
That's the wonderful thing about recovery. It's quite liberating. And recovery is nothing to be ashamed of - nor is the struggle I, and many others, endured.
Every year at this time I get quite introspective. I cry a little, but no longer out of fear or pain. I cry tears of happiness, and God forgive me, pride.
I sincerely believe that these last 15 years have been borrowed time. For what I put my own body through, I should not be alive. I am blessed that God saved me from myself. And I am thankful for so many things. So it's quite fitting that my recovery anniversary and my favorite holiday - Thanksgiving - fall in the same month. Because above all else, I am most thankful for November 7th. Without it, I would never have known the joys (and sorrows) of the last many years.
And now in just a few minutes, it will be November 7th, and I'd like to share an excerpt from an essay I wrote years ago, just before my first anniversary. Entitled "Power to Survive," it was later published in a women's literary magazine at Carolina:
I was stronger, wiser and more self-reliant. I had untwisted the thoughts in my brain. I boycotted the use of the scale and changed the mirror. It no longer told the story of a girl who was unacceptable, rather, it told the story of recovery. I am a changed woman. I am no longer willing to die to become what this American society expects. I am no longer a victim. I AM A SURVIVOR.
As I once read in a women's studies book, in an essay called "The Body Politic" by Abra Fortune Chernik, "We must challenge ourselves to eat and digest, and allow society to call us too big. We will understand their message to mean too powerful...."
Every day i look around and I see these horrible diseases spreading, and I have to fight with myself to remain immune to it.... It's been a long battle for me. But it's finally over. I believe my story is complete.
It is with much pride that I write this, for my one year anniversary has long since passed. November 7th is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. It will remain in my heart a symbol. An eternal symbol of strength, courage, pride and power. It is representative of the power I have gained, that has enabled me to take back my life.
I would disagree with one point, however. The battle is over, yes. But my story continues.... On borrowed time.
