I started writing this one well over a month ago. It was mid-January to be exact. And I was on a mission to correct the mistakes I was making with people in my life. There were people in my life whom I wanted to remain there, but the path I was previously on was sure to drive them away in relatively short order.
So I decided to be truthful and start making better choices for myself and my own sanity. And as a result, these lovely people are still in my life - at least the ones I wanted to stay are still there. One of them has actually become an even better friend since then. And I have to say, I'm proud of myself for putting myself in the line of fire in order to save my sanity in the longer term.
It's not enough for me to tell you the shell of the story. It doesn't work for me if I don't do this the right way. So here it is.... The bare honest truth.
It was months ago now that I found myself traveling up and down the coast, reconnecting with people from my past and making new friends along the way. In this process I had a bad habit of either snogging these blokes without reason or desire, or finding myself attached to them in ways that probably weren't healthy for me. It was at the point when a couple of my girlfriends asked me about my gentlemen friends and I had to answer, 'Which one?' that I realized perhaps, this may become problematic.
After all, there were two with whom I was actually interested in pursuing some sort of romantic future, and it occurred to me that involvement with anyone else would only complicate matters for me. And that it did. And so it goes.... Shortly after my winter holiday, I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and asked myself what I was doing. What was it I actually wanted? What about the feelings of these other people? What exactly did I expect to come from all of this?
And thus, I forced myself to suck the poison out of my life, as it were, and be entirely honest. Those I was afraid of hurting, I told them so. I explained my current position, that I didn't want anything romantic to come of our friendship and in coming to this realization, felt it my duty to be honest with them.
Those I was merely entertaining thoughts of, I let go. There was no real interest on my part (and to be honest, probably on theirs as well). To me now, they are cute smiles and handsome faces. They were merely a passing fancy to occupy my time and keep my mind off of the ones I thought I wanted. I am sure I knew even then that neither of the two I wanted reciprocated the feelings, but it was still the right thing to do.
And then it came to the last two. To the one I spent more time with - and the one with whom I have been the most forthright, I confronted him. I wanted to know what on earth we were doing spending time with each other in that way. We were at a critical point, in my opinion, at which we could either continue on our current path, or change direction and remain nothing more than friends.
Both afraid we'd cock it up, we chose the friends route. And to date he is one of my dearest friends. I'm quite proud of our maturity, and our ability to be brutally honest with each other. Now there's nothing we can't share with each other - he can talk to me about the women he sees and I've told him all about remaining bloke number one (and pretty much everything else, too).
It's actually a lovely situation. For the most part, I haven't had to leave behind anyone who is significant to me. As such, I'm able to keep these folks close to me in a different way. What I recently discovered that I really need, after all that happened last year, is quality friends. Friends who are loving, kind and genuine. Friends who are honest - and aren't afraid of my directness, honesty and love. Fortunately for me, that's exactly what I've found.
