As we've now passed the anniversary of my grandfather's death and rapidly approach my recovery anniversary, I've fallen into quite a familiar pattern of introspection and reevaluation of my life and its direction.
This time of year makes me emotional, but don't mistake that for a bad thing. The emotions I'm experiencing are a combination of things; the grief of so many things I experienced in 2010, culminating with the loss of my grandfather in such a tragic way and the reminder of the downward spiral that followed, but also the overwhelming gratitude, joy and love that continues to flow in and out of my heart as I've recovered.
I'm not speaking only of my recovery from the eating disorders that nearly took my life 17 years ago - I'm referring also to my recovery from the sequence of events that took place in the last several years.
I have no interest in rehashing said events here, as I'll save that for the novel I'm writing (which is a slow-going process, as I find limited time to write, and difficulties writing the hardest parts). What I want to focus on most is the realization that I am finally living the life I was born to lead.
It's a bold statement. It's an overwhelming feeling. And sometimes, I feel that I'm bursting at the seams with love, gratitude and peace.
You've probably heard me say that God saved me from myself 17 years ago in the bathroom of that dorm suite. What you don't know is that my relationship with God is very personal, and also very deep. And though I always do my best to give credit where credit is due, I don't make it a habit of trying to convince others of my relationship with God. It's in my heart, and that's where it matters. But as usual, I digress.
Each year around my anniversary, I look at my life and I ask myself if I'm really honoring the gift of borrowed time that He has bestowed upon me. Did I survive years of eating disorders so I could BE this? DO this? LIVE like this?
And as I've grown, as I've experienced more of life, as I've evolved, as I've survived, as I've been tested over time, I couldn't always answer those questions in the affirmative. But this year, with conviction, I shout a resounding yes.
Who I am today, the woman and mother I've become (and the nine year old who's responsible for that), the man I've chosen to share and spend my life with - these are the reasons I survived. The family I was born with, the family I've chosen on my own, my professional outlook, confidence, potential. These are the reasons I thrive.
They give me so much: endless supportive love, strength, courage, patience, kindness, security. They are my safe harbor and my perspective. They have given me a place to call home, a place to run to, a place to learn. They are, simply put, everything to me.
But how to honor these people, this peace, this love? I choose to believe in myself. To be at home in the body I inhabit, with all its imperfections. To be kind and compassionate, loyal and grateful. To be trusting and to have faith. I choose to love with reckless abandon. To work every day to be at peace. To be fair and giving and understanding. To be honest with myself about my own flaws, but to never stop trying to do better.
And as my father taught me, I choose to never give up. Not on me and not on them. There's so much to see, so much to experience and so much love to give.There's just far too much to live for.
And this? This life full of happiness, love and gratitude? This is the life I was meant to lead.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Heart Song
For some time, and for the first time in many years, all aspects of my life have harmonized into a beautiful concerto that has lulled me into a state of bliss.
The amazing man I told you about before is firmly implanted in my life and has been for quite a while now. I spend less time each day taming that inner Alpha Bitch I mentioned, and it's given way to an alluring and glorious love that I could not have conceived on the day of that sold-out baseball game in 2011.
I'm not one for resolutions, other than resolving not to make them. I haven't done it in years. I see no point in starting my year by setting myself up for failure or disappointment.
Instead, I focus every day on trying to be a better person than the day before; kinder, more patient, more generous.... But at the start of this new year, I do find myself reflecting on the past year and realizing what a fantastic journey I've traveled.
The beginning of 2012 started with an explosion in my work life. I lost my job, filed for unemployment, started interviewing, took a consulting position and found a temporary home with an organization that I found to be a comforting change of pace. Between working for a worthy mission, the kindness of the team I worked with and the faith they had in me to do my job, they renewed my spirit and my professional confidence.
While waiting for a permanent position to solidify with that organization, I applied for a permanent position elsewhere, where I was subsequently hired. I focused, for the first time, on the quality of life, the culture and the people of the organizations I was considering. And from the first phone interview with my new boss, I knew it would be a great place for me. Like my new position, she and I are a perfect fit as boss/employee relationships go. And within the few months that I've been working with her, she has also become my friend. For these things, I am truly grateful.
Though the burden was heavier on some days than others, it has been eased by my faith in God, my child's precious face (and hugs), my loved ones and the intensely supportive love of this man who came into my life two summers ago. His family has become a fixture in my life, too, and I love them as if they were my own.
Most days, I find myself overwhelmed by the amount of love I have in my heart - for him, my child, my family, my friends. But it's not just the abundance of love I'm sending out into the universe that overwhelms me - it's the love I feel in return flowing back to me that makes my heart sing. It's the sincere and genuine depth of his love that I feel all around me. It protects me. Encourages me. Emboldens me. Strengthens me.
Regardless of how often we are together (which admittedly, is not nearly as often as either of us would like - but such is the life of two working adults, one of whom is a parent), there is little I see or hear or do that doesn't remind me of him and fill my heart with joy - sometimes to the point of overflowing.
He complements me in ways I'm not sure he even realizes. We teach each other, learn from each other and love one other with mutual respect. Family members and friends have commented on what a great team we make - something that had been missing from my life for quite some time, and I suspect his as well.
So instead of a resolution for what is to come, I'd like to give thanks for what has already come to pass. Thank you 2012, for being infinitely better than I could have dreamed a year ago. Thank you, my love, for being everything you are and loving me so completely. Thank you to my child, whose hugs and love made even the tough days sweet. And thank you God, for answered prayers.
As we begin 2013, I have only to resolve to keep the lessons, trust in love and relish in the harmony of the music.
The amazing man I told you about before is firmly implanted in my life and has been for quite a while now. I spend less time each day taming that inner Alpha Bitch I mentioned, and it's given way to an alluring and glorious love that I could not have conceived on the day of that sold-out baseball game in 2011.
I'm not one for resolutions, other than resolving not to make them. I haven't done it in years. I see no point in starting my year by setting myself up for failure or disappointment.
Instead, I focus every day on trying to be a better person than the day before; kinder, more patient, more generous.... But at the start of this new year, I do find myself reflecting on the past year and realizing what a fantastic journey I've traveled.
The beginning of 2012 started with an explosion in my work life. I lost my job, filed for unemployment, started interviewing, took a consulting position and found a temporary home with an organization that I found to be a comforting change of pace. Between working for a worthy mission, the kindness of the team I worked with and the faith they had in me to do my job, they renewed my spirit and my professional confidence.
While waiting for a permanent position to solidify with that organization, I applied for a permanent position elsewhere, where I was subsequently hired. I focused, for the first time, on the quality of life, the culture and the people of the organizations I was considering. And from the first phone interview with my new boss, I knew it would be a great place for me. Like my new position, she and I are a perfect fit as boss/employee relationships go. And within the few months that I've been working with her, she has also become my friend. For these things, I am truly grateful.
Though the burden was heavier on some days than others, it has been eased by my faith in God, my child's precious face (and hugs), my loved ones and the intensely supportive love of this man who came into my life two summers ago. His family has become a fixture in my life, too, and I love them as if they were my own.
Most days, I find myself overwhelmed by the amount of love I have in my heart - for him, my child, my family, my friends. But it's not just the abundance of love I'm sending out into the universe that overwhelms me - it's the love I feel in return flowing back to me that makes my heart sing. It's the sincere and genuine depth of his love that I feel all around me. It protects me. Encourages me. Emboldens me. Strengthens me.
Regardless of how often we are together (which admittedly, is not nearly as often as either of us would like - but such is the life of two working adults, one of whom is a parent), there is little I see or hear or do that doesn't remind me of him and fill my heart with joy - sometimes to the point of overflowing.
He complements me in ways I'm not sure he even realizes. We teach each other, learn from each other and love one other with mutual respect. Family members and friends have commented on what a great team we make - something that had been missing from my life for quite some time, and I suspect his as well.
So instead of a resolution for what is to come, I'd like to give thanks for what has already come to pass. Thank you 2012, for being infinitely better than I could have dreamed a year ago. Thank you, my love, for being everything you are and loving me so completely. Thank you to my child, whose hugs and love made even the tough days sweet. And thank you God, for answered prayers.
As we begin 2013, I have only to resolve to keep the lessons, trust in love and relish in the harmony of the music.
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