As we've now passed the anniversary of my grandfather's death and rapidly approach my recovery anniversary, I've fallen into quite a familiar pattern of introspection and reevaluation of my life and its direction.
This time of year makes me emotional, but don't mistake that for a bad thing. The emotions I'm experiencing are a combination of things; the grief of so many things I experienced in 2010, culminating with the loss of my grandfather in such a tragic way and the reminder of the downward spiral that followed, but also the overwhelming gratitude, joy and love that continues to flow in and out of my heart as I've recovered.
I'm not speaking only of my recovery from the eating disorders that nearly took my life 17 years ago - I'm referring also to my recovery from the sequence of events that took place in the last several years.
I have no interest in rehashing said events here, as I'll save that for the novel I'm writing (which is a slow-going process, as I find limited time to write, and difficulties writing the hardest parts). What I want to focus on most is the realization that I am finally living the life I was born to lead.
It's a bold statement. It's an overwhelming feeling. And sometimes, I feel that I'm bursting at the seams with love, gratitude and peace.
You've probably heard me say that God saved me from myself 17 years ago in the bathroom of that dorm suite. What you don't know is that my relationship with God is very personal, and also very deep. And though I always do my best to give credit where credit is due, I don't make it a habit of trying to convince others of my relationship with God. It's in my heart, and that's where it matters. But as usual, I digress.
Each year around my anniversary, I look at my life and I ask myself if I'm really honoring the gift of borrowed time that He has bestowed upon me. Did I survive years of eating disorders so I could BE this? DO this? LIVE like this?
And as I've grown, as I've experienced more of life, as I've evolved, as I've survived, as I've been tested over time, I couldn't always answer those questions in the affirmative. But this year, with conviction, I shout a resounding yes.
Who I am today, the woman and mother I've become (and the nine year old who's responsible for that), the man I've chosen to share and spend my life with - these are the reasons I survived. The family I was born with, the family I've chosen on my own, my professional outlook, confidence, potential. These are the reasons I thrive.
They give me so much: endless supportive love, strength, courage, patience, kindness, security. They are my safe harbor and my perspective. They have given me a place to call home, a place to run to, a place to learn. They are, simply put, everything to me.
But how to honor these people, this peace, this love? I choose to believe in myself. To be at home in the body I inhabit, with all its imperfections. To be kind and compassionate, loyal and grateful. To be trusting and to have faith. I choose to love with reckless abandon. To work every day to be at peace. To be fair and giving and understanding. To be honest with myself about my own flaws, but to never stop trying to do better.
And as my father taught me, I choose to never give up. Not on me and not on them. There's so much to see, so much to experience and so much love to give.There's just far too much to live for.
And this? This life full of happiness, love and gratitude? This is the life I was meant to lead.
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