Then.... And Now

In taking a look at my blog, it's been quite a while since I've bothered to write. That's only half-true, really. I started a post about a year ago that still sits here in draft form that nobody has ever seen. And it's sad, because it mirrors how I've been feeling a lot in these last several weeks.

It was the story of what I was going through in my long-term relationship a little more than a year ago. And it's just so painful to see in black and white, knowing now how things have so dramatically changed. Yet so much of it remains the same....

Here's a piece of that post, taken from last February:

"Once I put it into words, it becomes real. It becomes scary. It becomes possible. And I don't want it to be real or possible. I want the joy and bliss to return to my heart. 

But right now, I'm so damn afraid of losing this man I love that the thought of putting words to paper makes me uncomfortable. If I write it all down, say it out loud, imagine the way things would be if he weren't in my life, all I can do is cry. 

Such is the danger in loving another so completely I guess. There is so much I stand to gain, should this all shake out well. But so much I stand to lose if it doesn't. A close friend of mine tells me that I'm 'borrowing worry' in thinking this way, but over-thinking things tends to be a habit of mine. In some cases, this works out well for me. 

It helps me plan, helps me make intelligent, measured decisions. But when there are circumstances outside of my control, like my long-term boyfriend reevaluating not only his life and future, but our relationship and its future, as well, I get stuck. 

This one is completely out of my control. I'm doing my best to stay out of the way and let him think. Let him muddle through the things that are holding him back. Let him seek guidance from others, to provide him with a different perspective. At the same time, I'm trying to be patient, supportive and compassionate, respectful and loving. These are all things that come naturally to me. This is just who I am. 

But this unsettled feeling? It hurts. And it scares me. And it makes me sad. And it is far too reminiscent of the not-so-distant downward spiral I experienced a few years back. 

I have come so far in the last several years; evolved into a better person (an evolution that continues daily, of course). I am stronger for it, yes. But I have also become quite comfortable in the happy. I knew sustained happiness was too good to be true, but I want it to be.  

I have never been so satisfied in love; so confident in myself and my feelings for another. So strong and bold and safe. So blessed and loved and.... happy. And he has experienced the same feelings because of me. I know this, because he's told me on numerous occasions. Our love is palpable. 

So what's the problem? The magnitude of our relationship is scary for him. When we set out on this journey two and a half years ago, it was not something either of us could fathom. And whereas I tend to jump all-in, he is more guarded. And the seriousness of our life together and our ages has him questioning his future; his goals, dreams, desires. We're comfortably reaching the middle of our lives, and I believe this is part of the reason for his recent introspection. 

It's given me some time to think, too. But I already knew what I wanted. And I'm far more decisive, calculated and sure when I make decisions. There's little I do without a plan. This too, is just my nature. So when I embarked on this journey with him, I did so open to the possibilities that a life with him would bring. And I'm open to all of it. 

I'm more in love with him than I've ever been with anyone (romantically). It's a passionate love that lets me fly, yet tethers me. And it's reciprocated, which is the most important key to that equation. 

It's this love and joy and bliss that I've come to rely on. For the first time in so many years, I have family in the city where I live. His family has become my family. I love them, and they love me back. I didn't even realize how much I missed having my own family here until I fell in love with his."

It was hard then, and it is hard now, facing the reality of having now lost my adopted family and the great love of my life. He is gone, after all. Our relationship ended a few weeks ago. After nearly four years, I've lost the beautiful love I once had. There will be no 'happily ever after' for me.

But I'm different now than a year ago; I'm not as shell-shocked as I was then. I was so taken aback then, and terrified of having given so much of myself to another, yet again. But now I am simply resigned. There will be no downward spiral this time; I won't allow it. The ache in my chest comes and goes. Sleep continues to provide no comfort, as the dreams of what will never be haunt me while I rest.

You should know this - yes, I'm sad. There's a sadness so deep in my heart, that sometimes it is hard to breathe. I am working every day to not let my sadness become the biggest part of me. My heart is broken. It will never be the same. Ever. There will never be a time that I don't wish that it would somehow magically work out.

And though I continue to ache for what I no longer have, I am grateful. Grateful for the person I've become. Grateful that I'm healthier than I've ever been in my life. Grateful that I've learned just how valued and amazing I can be. That's what keeps the smile on my face and prevents me from crying all the time. He made me a better person.  And he taught me the true meaning of this beautiful quote by Lao Tzu:

Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

For today, I am stronger than I have ever been, more courageous than I knew I could be, and just as in love with him now as ever.

And so it will be. All the days of my life.